Something profound happened the other day. Sage was riding his bike on the patio while I was laying in the hammock, just beside his route. This is a daily layout for us and a daily occurrence.
A favorite dress of mine that easily stains was drying on the chair that he passes while he rides. He rode up to the chair and grabbed the dress, pulling it down. Immediately I was concerned he was going to stain the dress on his muddy wheels and so I quickly intervened with “no, no, no, no honey”–and in the same moment as I began to say those no’s, he began to say “I’m bringing you……”
As you might imagine, as our words crossed over, his little heart broke and he began crying, so disappointed that here he was, about to do something kind for Mommy, and it turns out Mommy was already stopping him and upset about his action.
Oh my God–my heart broke as he began to cry, as it clicked that he was just trying to bring his Mama her dress. I tried to immediately correct and repair right there, but it was too late. He was sad. Now, I had to honor the hurt he felt and just hold him.
I held him so close to my chest as he cried, telling him Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry. Mama is so sorry! Mama got confused. I understand now that you were bringing me my dress! That is so kind! Thank you so much! I’m sorry, baby.
And he cried. And cried. And cried.
As I held him, I hatched a plan to make gold of this moment: To practice REPAIR within relationships, and thus reinforce his EMOTIONAL RESILIENCE, via the practice of TRYING AGAIN. These elements are life essentials for all relationships, as miscommunication is happening constantly in personal relationships, and none of us are perfect. The best we can do is clarify as quickly as possible, remedy/repair, RETURN (to the present moment), and try again.
As his crying came to a close, I knew he may or may not be up for trying again. I asked him My love, would you like to try that again with Mommy? Can you give me my dress again? And to my absolute luck and delight, he said YES.
He hopped right on his bike, rode up to the scene of the event and right up to the chair where my dress lay hanging, once again. He pulled it down just as he had before, and said Look! I’m bringing you your dress! And I got the chance to respond to him in alignment with my heart and intentions, expressing and feeling gratitude: Oh, darling! Thank you so much! That was so helpful! You brought me my dress! How wonderful. I am so grateful, darling. Thank you!
And he smiled, and continued playing. And we had DEEPLY REPAIRED.
Without repairing and engaging with this practice of Trying Again, it’s more likely that an imprint, belief structure, and associations would have been more strongly absorbed deep in the psyche—for example: doing something kind —>I can’t get it right—>It wasn’t good enough—>I disappoint the people I love.
That’s not to suggest every time something happens like this, our child receives a limiting imprint that will doom him for lifetimes to come—not at all. Rather, this is simply to present the opportunity we have to give our child the deepest nourishment possible, which includes nourishing their subconscious and introducing healthy patterns, as we are pattern-based humans and they will form patterns whether we like it or not.
Further, when we go through the journey like this, we create POSITIVE BONDING PATTERNS with our children. The more we do that, the more we make healthy relating the norm and familiar to them, and thus increase the likelihood that they will choose relationships in adulthood that feature healthy relating.
The Steps:
1. HOLD SPACE for the emotional response of your child. (Video coming soon to dive into this topic.)
2. Offer words of REPAIR that reflect your true sentiments/feelings, in as few words as possible, and in the right moment.
3. RETURN TO THE MOMENT/EMOTIONAL RESILIENCE: As the child returns from emotional release/expression, very gently, without attachment to their response, ask them if they are willing to “try again” with you. "Honey, I see you’re feeling a bit better now. Would you like to try again with Mommy? I’d love for you to give me my dress. Can we try that again?"
4a. If child says no, then express again your Correct Perception of what happened, honoring them properly.
4b. TRY AGAIN PRACTICE: If child says yes, then re-enact the event, and this time, in as natural a way as possible, respond and give child what they need.
5. Move on:)
6. REINFORCE: Later on in the day or the next day, find a way to repeat your intended messaging to the child. For example, later on that day, I took my dress from the bedroom and brought it over to Sage and said "Honey, look! Here's the dress you gave me! It's inside now! Thank you again so much! You bringing it to me really helped me!"